Next Step

 

I am feeling like I need to take that next step in my life. This was the one of the reasons why I started my PhD. I feel like being Dr. Garcia-McMillian is going to help ensure my future career. I have a job that is pretty good pay for what I do. It is just not fulfilling. I have been feeling for a while that I want a change, something more inline with what I am interested in. I have applied for jobs. I just has not panned out. I hope something works out with this application I am about to submit. I need to let go and let God. But I still need to do my part and apply. :)

Semi Productive

So I was semi productive today. I went into work for a couple of hours and did a few things. I could have done more once I got home I sold out. I told myself that tomorrow I need to clean this house. I have been playing games when it comes to cleaning. It has been all surface. I need to take it to the next level! :) I also think that getting rid of clutter will help me feel accomplished and liberated. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Off the Wagon

I got back home from my conference and I fell off the writing wagon. I am trying to get back on it. I need to center myself this weekend. I have been half assing everything lately. I am not giving 100% at work, I already said I have not been doing much for my dissertation. I have not been to the gym in weeks. I do not know why I am getting in my own way. I need to pull it together. It is time. I do not know how to snap myself into it. I need to be a rock star at work today and at home tonight with exercise and dissertation. I just need to start and maybe the sense of accomplishment can carry me through.

Societal Woes

I came out of my hotel this afternoon this morning and heard screaming. I looked around to figure out what was going on. I really could not understand what the man was screaming about. I finally was able to find him and noticed he was on the ground being held down by two police officers. It has been very interesting what I have seen in San Francisco so far.

Just a few hours later I heard the news about the bombings at the Boston Marathon. After that I read a posting on Facebook about a restaurant in Houston, TX who put a sign that said that beer should be like violence, domestic. All of these things remind me of the messed up society we live in today. An 8 year old boy and two adults lost their lives today in Boston because in someone’s mind it was ok to put bombs out and hurt people. There were people today who celebrated the loss of life. It is sad. It is sad that we walk around wondering where it will happen next. It is sad that we have to question our safety. I pray for all around the worlds, especially families all around the world who have lost loved ones today. 

But today, in spite of all of the negatives I witness I must remember the everyday heroes. There were first responders who stepped in to help people after the bombing. Also, the runners who not only finished the marathon, but kept running to Massachusetts General Hospital to donate blood. We have to keep praying for a better world!!!

Homeless Man

Downtown San Francisco is sketchy. I was downwind and the smell of piss almost made me pass out. I was pretty sure my eyes started to water. One interesting thing is that there were a lot of talkative homeless folks. Homeless people in Portland don’t really say much. I had a conversation with one man as soon as I walked out of my hotel. He was a jovial guy. He wanted money for food to go along with the beer he had already gotten. I apologize and told him I did not have cash (which was true). He was polite and said that I was beautiful. He then asked me to take a picture of him, and I did.

While he was worrying about food to eat my biggest concern was making it to the spa on time.  What different lives we lead. I thank God for what I have. It may not be enough to be at the spa every day, but it is enough to enjoy it once in a while. It is enough to have a safe place to call home. It is enough to not worry about food. It is enough to provide for my child. Tonight, I lay in a comfortable bad watching TV. I am not sure where my homeless friend is spending the night tonight. I pray he is safe and that he is well.

Motivation

Motivation where are thou? It is so hard to find motivation for certain things, yet easy for others.  As of late I am not motivated for much, especially my dissertation. I had a vision as to when I would be done and now that it has not happened I can’t bring myself to work on it as I should. I found a couple of job postings I was interested in and have yet to fill out the applications. I started working on a personal statement for a leadership training program my boss wants me to apply to and it has sat for over two weeks half way done.

I talk to myself about myself. I try to rationalize it. I try to guilt myself into it but it has not done much. I have always been prone to procrastination.  But lately I am outdoing myself in this department. J Yesterday I spoke about starting today and I succeeded with this blog, but not with a long list of other things. I always believe in knowing our whys at the core. Why do I put things off? Why do I go left instead of right? Why do I say yes when I really mean no? Why , why, why…. In my heart I know why I am putting off working on my dissertation; I just have not clued my mind on it. I guess if I allow myself to “know” I will not have an excuse any more, I can’t say I don’t know. And so the hours and days continue to pass and little changes.

I can’t keep living in this unmotivated state. I need to start, now. I said it yesterday… a year from now, I would have so wished I started today. I must push myself. I need to write a sentence, a word, a thought, a line, anything…. Today! I have to fight procrastination tooth and nail. I will report back to tomorrow as which side won. J

Today

One of my sorority sisters posted a message about change. In her case she has decided to lose weight and she posted a picture of herself from present day compared to one from three months ago. In her message she said, change does not start on the first of the month, or on Monday, it starts right now. I found this message very motivational. Traditionally I have been one of those people who start the first or Monday. It gives me an excuse not to change right away. The problem with this system is that when the first comes or when Monday arrives I lack the motivation. Starting today pushes one to take action right away.

I am starting today along with my other beautiful sister Crestcencia with a writing challenge. We are embarking on a journey of putting words on a page with no limitations. We can write a page or a sentence, whatever it is meant to be today and all of our days in this journey.

Karen Lamb said, a year from now you will wish you had started today. I think of the many times I look back on the things I said I would do and thought those very words. If I had…. I should have…. I could have…. Yet, I did nothing. Well, not today! Today I am doing it. I put my words on this page. I took that first step and I am happy to see where it leads.