Destiny Awaits - My 500 Words D23

After what seemed like an eternity, but it was probably more like five minutes, Steele finally spoke. Don’t think that I have not wondered the same thing. Those words shook me. I did not know if my heart did a somersault or if I was having a heart attack. I said, I hear a “but” coming. You do, replied Steele. But, I do not know what will come of it. We are great together. We spend quality time together. In a lot of respects we are like a couple already. I have found myself measuring my exes to you, which is probably why it does not usually work. But, I do not want to spend my life without you in it. I don’t know if I can take the risk and then us not working out.

I stopped listening have way through when I realized he had thought about us too. He had contemplated us being together. I wanted to sit on his lap and start kissing him right then and there. I had to compose myself. But, he was even sexier in my eyes, as if that was possible.

Steele, what if we can spend and even better life as a couple? It is like you said; it is almost as if we have already been dating all this time. I know how you like your coffee, I can shop for your clothes, you know what I like for breakfast, and how to make me feel better when I am down. You know things about me that I have not told a soul, the dreams that I have shared with no one other than you. I trust you with my secrets, my dreams, and my heart already. If you and when you are ready to try I will be here. I want to take the next step with you.

Steele suggested we leave the restaurant and go back to his place to talk. But, now that I know he has thought about us being together I am done talking. I want to be with him. I have been imagining what lies beneath for so long I want to see if all of my fantasies are true. I don’t think I should go. I am ready to make bad choices. I am ready to be in the moment and YOLO that shit. I have never said YOLO in my life. Something is seriously wrong with my brain. This man had turned me into a babbling idiot.

Steele got up and came behind me and gently pulled my chair. As I stood up the sweet and tangy smell of his cologne filled my lungs he was standing so close to me. I was trying to tell my lady parts not to react to his sent, to his words, to the slight grace of his hand on the small of my back. It’s too late, they noticed too. They are letting me know it is go time. But, I am pretty sure he is not ready for that leap tonight. Legs, don’t fail me now. I need you to be strong and carry me out of this restaurant. I need to see what destiny awaits. 

What Hooks You? - My 500 Words D22

The message at church this morning was “what hooks you?” The pastor explained that when Jesus was getting disciples early on he went to fisher men. Jesus himself did not fish, as he was a carpenter by trade. For example it was explained that Jesus told Andrew and Peter follow me and you will fish men. It is said that they laid their fishing net down and went with Jesus.

The pastor turned to us and asked what hooks us. People were able to get up and share what is in them right now making them work towards something or accomplishing something. Some people shared church related examples, like growing church membership. Others were more general about things that are going on but with little detail like an issue serving in jury duty and another was facing issues with the city.

I was moved to share. What I have been hooked in for at least a year now is to do free hospice pictures for families. I read in a group that I belong to on Facebook of a woman that was doing child hospices pictures in Texas. I love taking pictures and I thought what a beautiful opportunity to do for families who do not have the luxury of time.

I have been work on my dissertation and I have not worked on many things because I have been focusing on finishing. But, to do these pictures I have to be fully focused. You can’t let a family down in a situation like this. I am also afraid since I am such an emotional person. I am afraid to be crying the entire time. But, I think of the gift that they would receive and I hope I can get it together.

I am planning to see if I can work with a photo shop that will do a free picture for the family. I will also like to do a show in a gallery for any families that give me permission to use their pictures for a show. I would think it would be so moving. I just saw a story about actor John Schneider who used to be in the Dukes of Hazards and is now in the show The Haves and Have Nots. During a photo shoot for the new show the photographer said that John Schneider started to cry. The actor asked him to keep taking pictures. He shared that his father had just passed and he found out during lunch break. He continued to take the promotional pictures but could not hold it any longer. The photographer showed him the pictures and John was able to select the one he like the best. The one that he felt really represented the spirit of his father.

 That is what I would like to provide to these families but prior to the person passing away. Is having that memento of a loved one that can be cherished. Not everyone gets to have that opportunity. I know I did not with my grandmother. I wish I had. I would have meant so much to me. I hope I can give that to someone else. 

Silence - My 500 Words D21

Steele chuckled a bit, ‘your are thinking about us? What about us?’ I ignored my stomach, I ignored my body wanting to run, I ignored the fear that filled my brain. I let my heart speak. Steele, this may seem out of the blue to you but I have been feeling this way for a long time. I care for you, more than a friends’ care. I think about you, I imagine us dating.

I did not breath, I kept talking. I want us to try. Try to be together. I want to see where it can lead. I know it is scary. I have been scared for a long time to share my feelings with you. I kept thinking, what about our friendship? But, I want to try. I think we would be good together. My hands where flapping every which way, I was talking fast trying to sell us being together. I finally realize that I have rambling for a long time and Steele had not said anything. He was just looking at me.

I got scared when he was just sitting there quietly. I imagined what was going through his mind. He was probably thinking about all the reasons why we would not work. Maybe he was thinking that he was not attracted to me and now things will be awkward around me. I think he wanted to leave and ignore that this ever happened, but now he can’t. He can’t go back to ignorance bliss. He knows how I feel. I think he already knew I had feelings for him. But, since I did not say anything he could claim he did not know, or was not sure. But, now, he knows. It is true. I want you. But he is still sitting there not saying a word. I finally say something.

I am sorry Steele. I know I was talking fast and I laid a lot on your lap. I have been thinking about us for a while. I did not take it lightly, this moment. I love our friendship. I appreciate you very much. You have been a wonderful friend and very supportive of me for a long time. I can’t tell you how much that has meant to me, especially in those unsure times of my life. Like the time I finally told my mom I was never going to law school. You helped me practice the conversation. You know what; the conversation went very well because of you. I do not want to lose your friendship. But, I had to think long and hard about living one more day without sharing my feelings. I could not do it anymore.

I will understand if you need time to think about it. I will understand if you do not feel the same about me. I will understand if we can’t be friends because I have made things weird between us. I had to share my truth. I had to tell you my feelings. I hope you understand. I hope you want to try, but I will respect your decision no matter what. Steele is still sitting without saying a word. I don’t know what to do with myself right now.

Confession - My 500 Words D20

After calling Steele I sat in my car for a while. I stated to come up with a list of excuses that would sound like a good reason to cancel. I got a flat. I forgot I had a meeting. I was abducted by aliens who want me to be the queen of their planet. Nothing sounded believable. I finally started my car.

I decided to go to Millennial Park for a while. I needed the fresh air. Once I arrived at the park I found a place to see with the best possible vision of the park. There were so many couples who passed by me hand in hand. They seemed happy. Somewhere more willing to show their affection in public that others but regardless they all seems so comfortable with each other. I wondered if some day Steele and I would be in this very park. Would someone notice us and think to themselves, ‘they look so happy together.’ I prayed that would be the case.

I was in a daze. I did not realize the time until I felt my phone buzzing. Steele was letting me know he was running 15 minutes late. I got up, straighten my skirt and I walked by to the nearby restaurant where we were meeting. I walked off that what I felt was my destiny to join the fraternal order of love.

The Americana modern restaurant has big window and I saw see Steele from the corner of my eye. My stomach tightened while I tried to conjure up a pep talk but before I could organize me thoughts Steele was in front of me. I hugged him but I lingered. I hugged him a little tighter than usual. He glazed at me with a puzzled look and asked if everything was ok. I tried to shake off the nerves and pretend that everything was fine, that it was a normal day. He eyes were still squinted when the waitress came. Thank God for her timing.

Why does Steele have to be so beautiful? I am trying not to stare but he looks delicious. He is wearing a Brooks Brothers suit we picked out together. We had spent a day last fall together. We were doing some retail therapy after Steele’s last break up. Since he has loved his career more than any woman he has ever dated the break up was not particularly hard on him. But, it gave me an excuse to go out with him so I jumped on the opportunity.

Steele thanked me for inviting him out; he recognized it had been a while since the two of had gone out. He looked at me for a few moments without saying a word. I felt like half an hour but I am sure it was less than a minute. He finally broke the silence and said that it felt like something was on my mind. The moment was here. I did not know if to laugh or cry. I finally opened my mouth and the words rushed out. So fast, in fact, that he was not sure if I was speaking in English or Spanish. I smiled, slowly brushed my hair from my face and said, I have been thinking about us. 

MLK and the Good Samaritan - My 500 Words D19

Today’s church service was about Dr. Martin Luther King legacy. It was a beautiful service. It started with great music. My church has a diverse membership racially, sexual orientation, socio economic, age, etc. There are members of my congregation that experienced the civil rights movement first had. There were three people who shared experiences today for the kids in the church.

Every Sunday the kids are asked to come up to share the story. The assistant pastor shared how he was bused to school when his town became desegregated. I have not had that experience being born in Puerto Rico in the 70s. My husband in the other hand has had experiences because he was born in the 70s also but in Mississippi. He recalls being young and having crosses burned in his front lawn. I can’t fathom having that happen to me.

The closest experience I had was when I moved to Michigan from Puerto Rico at the beginning of 8th grade year. My brother and I are 10 months apart but we attended school together since pre-kindergarten. I was a very sociable child and my mom said that she felt comfortable sending me to school with my brother even though I was younger. When we move to Michigan we moved in with my aunt and uncle first. When my parents found a home they did not want to change our middle school halfway through the year. We used to go to our aunt and uncle’s house after school but once the weather got nicer, then 1987, my brother and I started walking home. I do not know how far it was but I believe it was at least a 45 minute walk.

One day, as my brother and I were walking a car passed us going the opposite direction. There were two White men in the car and the one on the passenger side, who was the one closed to us, stuck his arm out and yelled White power. I did not know anything about the history of racism in the United States at that time but in the pit of my stomach I knew that he was not just stating his White pride. It felt angry, threatening. I later came to learn that what the man did with his arm was a Nazi salute.

I had additional experiences in college personal and others of friends. My college best friend, who is Black, and I were walking to the store when a car with two White guys drove passed us. The guy in the passenger side said I like chocolate as they went by. Latter a friend I met while she was moving in during her freshman year had a sing put in her dormitory door telling her to go back to Mexico. In my anthrobio class there was a White student who was talking about how people in third world countries are happy about companies coming in and allowing them to make money. She did not understand about the after effects of companies putting maquiladoras and then leaving in shambles when they found another country with cheaper labor.

The saddest part is the recent acts of racial ignorance going on around the world. The Obama election is a perfect example with the posters of him as a monkey. It is ridiculous have in this day and age, there is still racial discrimination. I remember taking my daughter out to Starbuck when she was a baby, maybe three months old a young White teen girl walked in. I looked at her and thought she was such a cute girl. Then I turned and looked at my beautiful Black daughter and I thought to myself, the world is going to treat her differently because of the color of her skin. I know this to be true because little had changed as to how Black women are viewed in this country in my life time. I do not trust that much will change for her. So now I invest my time in building her up and preparing her for those people who are going to make her feel ugly and less than. When I was in high school a classmate that is half Black and Half Puerto Rican thought I was beautiful and told me every time he got a chance. One day our class met at the library. He knew a guy from another class and he turned to him and said look at her isn’t she beautiful? The White guy looked me up and down and said, No! He destroyed me. Now the guy who had spent the entire term telling me how beautiful I was did not impact me as much as the one guy I had never met.

I do not want my beautiful daughter to feel the way I did. I tell her now, at five, that some people will think she is pretty and some will think she is not and that is ok. The important part is that she loves herself and that she knows we think she is beautiful.

I am grateful to be in a church that acknowledges race and social justice. I church that recognizes that the struggle is still happening for people of color, for the LGBTQ community, and for the socially disadvantaged. The sermon today was based on both MLK and the story of the Good Samaritan. MLK imagines that the men who did not help the man robbed asked themselves, ‘if I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?’ In contrast the Good Samaritan asked himself, ‘If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?’

Experiences like the ones I had or witnessed or worse what my husband saw as a child could easily make us jaded. We could think about how it impacts us and decided if we should really get involved. But, God calls us to be the Good Samaritan and think of others beyond ourselves.

Story Line - My 500 Words D18

I am taking Jasmine and Steve to lunch. I need their help with the Steele situation. Ok, so it is not a situation since it is all in my head but I need their help nonetheless. I am hoping that they will give me advise about how to tell Steele how I feel about him. I hope they have some words of wisdom for me.

It is a sunny autumn day in Chicago. I should be out shopping and enjoying my day. Instead I am headed to Lincoln Park to meet Jasmine and Steven. I need Jasmine to focus and not be “funny” today. She loves to tell gross stories about her client skin disorders. I am in no mood for that. I was so anxious that I got to the restaurant early.  We are meeting in a fondue place with a Mediterranean feel. Our booth’s wall is lined with bottles of wine. I wish I drank every single one of them. It is the first time I am going to say, out loud, that I am in love with Steele.

Jasmine arrives first. She is wearing a little cashmere camel color sweater.  It brings out her hazel eyes. She is five feet five and but her presence is six five. Five minutes later in walks Steve. He promptly informs us that he is hung over. I don’t need this today. Jasmine asks where Steele is. I let her know he is not coming but that he is the reason I have asked them to join me.

The three of us are sitting in silence. Finally Jasmine asked what was going on with Steele. I finally let it out, “I have feelings for him.” Him who? asked Steve. I respond, Stelle! trying not to sounds annoyed that I had to specify the name.  STELLE? they ask in unison. I got out a yes that was barely a whisper. What about Stephanie? Asked Steve. Are you serious right now Steve. I just told you that I love Steele and you bring up Stephanie? YOU LOVE HIM? in unions once again. I don’t know how to tell him and I need your help. What do you think?

Jasmine asked me if I was worried about our friendship. Of course I am. That is why I have not said anything all this time. Steve, you are his best friend. You have known him the longest. Has he ever said anything about me? Do you think he would be receptive? Steve explained that Steele is focused on his career. He has dated but nothing too serious. His career is his first love. I know he cares about you but I can say it is more than that said Steve. Well, if you were me, what would you do? You only live once. If you love him tell him. Jasmine was firm. What do you think Steve? I do not know how he will take it. But, I am a big proponent of speaking my truth, perhaps it is time you spoke yours, tell Steele.

I have put it out there in the universe and I survived. Jasmine and Steve did not discourage me from telling him. It is time to speak my truth about Steele to Steele. I pick up my cell and stare at it for a few minutes. I thought my body was frozen but my fingers managed to move. My text read, how about dinner tonight you and I. There is no turning back. 

Back Story - My 500 Words D17

I am the youngest of three and the only one who went to college. My mother graduated law school top of her class and has been defending the innocent (and not so innocent) for years. As far back as I can recollect she pushed me to be a lawyer. And as far back as I can remember I never had any interest, not even a little, for law. Bless her heart, my mother kept trying and she went all out when I got to college. Imagine her surprise and disappointment when I told her I wanted to do Public Relations. She has not let it go, even now that I am a Vice President at one of the largest PR firms in Chicago.

In spite of being a disappointment to my mother, I love my job. I have enjoyed great success and I am looking forward to my career growth. Another disappointment in my mother’s life is the fact that I am very much single and all of 37 years of age. My beautiful mother’s new past time is sending me information on fertilization options. She does not care anymore that I am not married she just wants a grandchild from her only daughter. It is not that I do not want to reproduce. It is that I have been secretly in love with my friend Steele for years. I have tried dating but I find fault in every man I met. No one comes close to Steele’s qualities.

I have imagined myself telling him how I feel. I play different scenarios in my mind. Most of the time I imagine that it will ruin our friendship, then I wait yet another day and I have yet to say anything. I am feeling pressure to make a move because our “fiend” Stephanie likes Steele as well. She is more forthcoming about how she feels and she flirts with him every chance she gets. Since I can’t jumper and pull her hair out leaving her bold, because then I would be wrong, I have to seriously think about telling Steele how I feel.

My mother would love Steele since he is a lawyer. But his successful career pales in comparison to how beautiful he is. He is sexy and we would have beautiful babies. He is six feet three. His hazelnut brown skin makes me want to take a bit. I imagine that he tastes just like Nutella, which I have also loved for a long time. If I close my eyes I can not only imagine him holding me but I can almost feel his arms and muscles around me. Now, if I can just get the words to come out of my mouth. If only I could muster the strength. I love you Steele! Four simple words, four beautiful words, four words that will shape my future happiness. I can’t say them. But, if I don’t say them, what will that mean. I will hate myself if he ends up with Stephanie. Let’s be real, I will hate myself if he ends up with anyone. I have to tell him.