My Day - My 500 Words D13

My day sated out with a sick baby. When I went to get my daughter out of the shower she was crying. She had spent the entire night coughing. She did not sleep well and was not in a good space. Poor thing! I got her back in bed and my husband said that he would stay with her. I gave her a kiss bye and she felt warm. When I checked her temperature she had a 103 fever. I gave her medicine, kissed her again, and headed to work. I hated to leave her. She is five and is such a big girl but when she gets sick I remember how little she still is.

I got to work and started my morning in meetings, one with my supervisor to go over work assignments. There are a lof of projects on our list of things to do. The second meeting was a management team meeting with our division. We did updates from the different areas. We spent a good time of our time taking about onboarding another community college. My community college is the biggest in the state. We have over 90,000 per year. The college that will come under us as they become an official college has 2,000. We have just transitioned two colleges who received accreditation by the state. We were making a list of the things we need to do and the questions that must be answer before the contract is signed.

After lunch I headed to another campus for the last meeting of the day. I am part of a committee that is putting together a one stop center. The aim of the one stop is to have an area where students can visit self-help computers to conduct student business with over the shoulder help if needed. The center opened on December 30^th and many students have been using the computers. They are learning to navigate the portal and conduct college business such as paying their bill and ordering parking permits on their own. It is taking the teaching how to fish approach. We have three other centers that will be opening district-wide. The next is due to open summer 2014. We have been in this committee for over a year. I think most of us are worn down. The two hour meeting seemed to draw on. I personally had spaced a few times during the meeting. I am taking over this committee for the next center so I need to have the energy for the next center rollout.

This will be a great opportunity. While a lot of the work had already been done since we rolled out the first center there is still a lot of work to be done on the next campus. There are new stakeholders to bring together and get them through the process. In the next campus there has been a lot of remodeling to the space where the center will be. It will give the campus a new feel and a new way of directing students. Thais will be different from the first campus. It is an exciting time for the college and for student services. 

Baptism - My 500 Words D12

Today in church the pastor talked about Jesus’ baptism. As she shared the story I tried to imagine how amazing the sight must have been of Jesus being baptized in the Jordan river and the clouds parting and the sun rays coming down. It must have been a sight.

As she was sharing the story I thought about my baptism. I remember it because I was maybe 6 or 7. I recall it was not during the regular service. There were only six of us and the father. It was my parents and my Godparents along with their daughter who was a baby. The baby and I were both baptized on that day. I do not remember what was said but I do remember the feeling of the water on my forehead. It was cold! I remember seeing a picture of that day. I had one a white dress, white socks and white Maryjane shoes. Thinking back, my dress was a bit short for a baptism.

I did not get baptized a second time as an adult but I did renew my faith a few years back. I joined a new church after a few years of not going to church. I found a really good fit when I joined Ainsworth United Church of Christ. It is an open and affirming congregation that focuses on social justice. I love this church because it goes beyond the word of Christ to actually working in our church and our community.

To renew my faith I had to go through a number of classes with our Pastor. There were five of us in class. There was a couple who had a daughter close to the same age as my baby girl who at the time was about one and a half. Ed was also part of our group.

I am not sure how old Ed was but I can tell you that he was about 5’ 6”, a full head of white hair (always neatly combed), he wore glasses, and he had a very thin frame. During one of our meetings Ed shared that while he was deployed his then wife lost the baby she was carrying. As he shared this story, he cried. I imagined it had been at least fifty years since the child’s passing. I learned that day that no matter how much time passes, you will never get over the death of a child. As Ed’s health deteriorated over the past few years, he still served as an usher at church. It was inspiring to see faithfulness and stewardship personified in Ed.

Ed passed away on December 25, 2014. His passing serves as another reminder of how fleeting. Sometimes you do not realize the impact someone has on you until they are gone. But, being baptized you are cleansed and have publicly committed your life to God. I was able to see Ed dedicate that last few years of his life to God. I was able to see his dedication and commitment to his faith and the Lord. The water of life cleansed Ed and now he is in the house of God. The water cleansed me and I trust my life in God’s hands. S/he has shown me love and compassion and I will continue to walk in her/his name. 

Painting the Picture - My 500 Words D11

Painting the picture….

I finally decided to go for a walk in the woods. I needed to clear my head. I have been wrestling with my next step for so long, I have not left the house in days. I have barely eaten and my mind has been raising for aslong as I  can recall. I put my brown spring jacket and headed out of the door. Outside, the air was crips; not cold enough for a heavy jacket but enough to feel the temprature change when inhaling the air. I felt the cold rush to my lungs and a finally thought about something other than my future. I started my journey, I focused on what was infront of me and  my mind  began to settle.  

I am a creature of habbit, and I always take the same path when I go for a walk. Today, I decided to try a different path. I steps out side as the sun was begining to set. I made everything outside seem like it has been dusted with gold. It was a beautiful afternoon. I a came ot a  bend on th epath I say sunrays coming through the trees. It was like God was illuminating my path to a peaceful place to think about my life. Among the pine trees I realized that I had been working my mind into a frenzy. All I needed to do was contemplate my options one at a time. I am lucky enough that my worst problem is selecting my next step from three great options. I am grateful for the opportunities in front of me. But in this moment, I am most thankful for this path and the sunset.

I had been on the road traveling for business for a month. In my last stop a business associate suggested a bed and breakfast in the country side. After so many hotels, valet parking, room services, polite people who could careless why I am their establishment this bed and breakfast sounded like a great idea. The place was ran by a wonderful older couple. They had owned the business for 20 years. They shared great stories of past guest. I wondered where those people where today and what were they doing there.

My room was small but comfortable. It had a queen size bed with very soft pillow top matters. I felt like I sank six inches when I laid down. It had a small fireplace with block rod iron screen. Next to the bed there was a small antique white desk. On top there was a letter from the owners thank patrons for the visit. On the top drawer there was a journal where past guest left messages. There were stories of newlyweds, people who came to celebrate anniversaries, people who came to remember loved ones after they passed. There were so many lives at my fingertips. I was so glad I came here.

I had to leave early the next morning. The morning fog was thick. I as I carefully drove down the street I saw a single leafless tree, a lonely landmark in a long quite road. I could not see anything past the tree. I suddenly found myself wondering if any of the other guests had left back to their regularly scheduled lives on a foggy day. I thought about all the stories this quaint blue Victorian home must have. I prayed for all of the people who traveled this road. 

Writing - My 500 Words D10

I love words. I think that is why I have a bachelor’s and master in communication. I appreciate the power words have. They can make or break relationships. Just look at the root of most wars. One side thinks they are right, they draw the line in the sand, the sell their views to others and get them on board, and conflict arises. Words have power, they have weight.

My love and appreciation for words make me enjoy writing. I wish it came easier to me. There are some writers that are so witty and funny, some paint a picture where you can see yourself in the scene. I am trying to put words together to make people feel. Not too long ago I was trying to explain why people in similar situations should not make themselves seem better than others. I wrote: “That would be like saying that my daughter is not really my daughter because she is adopted versus being biological. I am no less a mother because my process to have a child is different than my sisters who have given birth.”

I was proud of these two sentences. I felt they packed a punch. They highlighted the importance of not comparing because it can come across as judgmental. Why take away from someone? They right combination of words can take a message to the next level. It moves to action, to change, to reform, and much more.

I am a Pisces. I live in make belief a lot and day dream often. Sometimes I am so caught up in what I am thinking I can see it. Or if I am thinking about something sad I cry. I want to convey that in my writing. If I can translate what is in my head to paper, I think I can really be a good writer.

I have been writing a dissertation for the last year and a half. Academic writing is very different than other styles. I am coming to the end of that process (thank God!) and I am ready to transition into writing for pleasure; writing for the sake of creating beautiful and moving stories. Writing because there are words that need to be shared.

My fear of writing stems from two areas. One is my grammar. I am originally from Puerto Rico and English is my second language. While I have been in the U.S. for a while I still struggle when I write. I know this is something that I need to keep working on writing assignments to strengthen my skills. The second issue is fear of success. My writing dream has been kept at bay mainly because I put pressure on myself of what will be expect of me if I am actually good. What if I write a book that is good and then I can’t do a second one. Again, I am a Pisces so clearly I stress myself over something that has not even happened. We shall see what comes of this writing thing.  

Leaders - My 500 Words D9

“Leaders are born not made.” I disagree. While I believe that there are some people who are naturally more charismatic because of their personality I think all people have the ability to be leaders. Anyone who is willing to learn the skills they can be an effective leader.

To be a leader an individual must be willing to take on the responsibility. Being a leader is more than about oneself. It is about the group, it is about the organization needs, it is about the project, etc. Keeping the responsibility of being a leader in the forefront of one’s mind is important.

A leader must be a good listener. A leader doesn't just tell people what to do. A leader listens to the needs of the people who are working for or with the leader. Active listening facilitates communication among parties. It is important to have a common understanding of the goal in order to move projects and organizations forward.

Leaders are not focused on titles or notoriety. They want to ensure the job is done and successful. This reminds me of a picture I saw not too long ago. There were two depictions side by side, one of a boss sitting at a desk being pulled by workers, then a picture of a leader pulling with the other people and the desk did not have anyone sitting on it. The leader rolls up her/his sleeves to do the work necessary to move forward.

Leaders are able to deal with criticism and put it in perspective. Leaders know that not everyone is going to agree with you. They know that people will question and challenge what you are trying to do. Being able to manage these attempts in a professional and productive way is important. Leaders can’t get caught up in the emotions of other people. If a leader engages with critics and fights back it can make the leader look back. This is not to say that the leader should not address critics, or any concerns or questions that arise from the criticism. But, the responses must be professional and free of emotion in order to be effective and for the leader not to lose face or ground.

Leaders have to be cheerleaders. Sometimes change is not exciting. People may meet the change or project with hesitation. To get people on board leaders need to be in tuned with the mood of the group. When the leader notices that people need a pick me up or need to be reminded of the positive outcomes of the change the leader should address it right away. When appropriate allow the members of the team to get out their concerns or fears and then list the positives. Ask these individuals what they need to feel better about the change, and as best as possible make accommodations.  

Another important skill required of leaders is the ability to manage conflict. There are time that within the organization or within stakeholders conflict will arise. Leaders need to mediate the conflict in order to progress. If the leader can’t manage the conflict, s/he must find the appropriate resources to manage the situation to not take away from the work at hand. 

To Dos - My 500 Words D8

Dissertation:

·         Contact my chair to find out when I can submit my dissertation to the Dean of the College for review

·         Contact editor to double check APA changes she made to my last dissertation draft

·         Pray that the editor will turn around changes quickly

·         Pray that I can get this dissertation defense schedule by the beginning of February

·         Draft my dissertation presentation

·         Have my chair review my presentation

·         Practice my presentation.

·         Pray that I successfully defend my dissertation

·         Obtain singed approvals after dissertation defense

·         Complete final edits after defense

·         Submit edited dissertation to the Graduate College

·         Review edits from the Graduate College

·         Make any final edits and changes based on feedback from Graduate College

·         Submit final bound copy of dissertation to Hampton University

·         Submit electronic dissertation to Proquest

·         Celebrate being done with my Ph.D.

·         Graduate May 11, 2014

After my dissertation is done, focus on my career trajectory to ultimately become a college president

·         Review recommendations from National Community College Hispanic Council

·         Get the list of characteristics of a college president to have a road map and to identify areas to work on

·         Find a part-time teaching job to stay connected to the faculty experience and student needs

·         Join an accreditation group to help a college go through an accreditation review

·         Plan next job, perhaps Dean of Students, Director of Enrollment Services, etc.

·         Build mentor relationship with leads of National Community College Hispanic Council and ask what a next job makes sense to look at

·         Participate in more professional organizations including conference presentations

·         Net work with my National Community College Hispanic Council cohort to support our efforts as we move forward in our careers

·         Join curriculum committee at my job

·         Join a campus present search committee to learn what committees are looking for for college presidents

·         Look for other network opportunities within my job

·         Look at the Harvard higher education leadership program in summer 2014

·         Research college presidents and review their resumes or vitas to see their job history in order to plan my own path

·         Look for publishing opportunities for academic journals, professional organization journals or magazines, and the chronicle of higher education

·         Build relationships with individuals who I can co-author articles

·         Work to get dissertation published in an academic journal

Work life balance:

·         Get back in the gym consistently

·         Spend more time helping my daughter to learn to read

·         Read books for pleasure once dissertation is done, start with the long list of leadership books

·         Take some me time, spa time, coffee break, to refuel for me not as a wife, mother, employee, manager, etc.

·         Be more consistence with date night with the hubby

·         Plan my 40^th birthday week hikes

·         Buy hiking books

·         Stick to my 500 words challenge

·         Stick to my 2014 photo journey blog where I am taking a picture a day for a year

·         Make a health improvement plan including eating and exercising

·         Start working on my book, seriously this time

·         Start working on screenplay

·         Work on character creation

·         Work on setting the scene and using words that create a picture in the readers mind

·         Work on branding

·         Think big picture, push on my long term goals. Take steps every day to do something towards my goals (big or small)

My Bella Lydia - My 500 Words D7

Today is the 7^th year anniversary of my abuela’s passing (my mom’s mom). I remember that day like it was yesterday. Shortly after the New Year in 2007 my abuelita became sick. My brother had spent Christmas and New Years in Puerto Rico at her house. He took her to the hospital but he had to leave back to Houston, Texas. He was very worried and hated to leave her but he had to go back to work. My parents went down from Flint, Michigan to be with her.

There was something different about this time. I felt in my heart that I had to go see her. I was talking with my husband about leaving and begun to make my plans. I spoke to my mother to tell her but she told me no. My heart kept telling me to go. I felt this urging I can’t explain but I wanted to honor my mother. I felt that if I went to Puerto Rico (against my mother’s wishes) that would have been admitting that I felt like she was not going to make it.

January 7, 2007 started like any other day. By the early evening my husband and I were home in El Paso, Texas watching TV. I don’t recall the show but I feel like it was something funny. My husband was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. I do not know why I was sitting on the floor since that is not something I normally did. The phone rang and my husband answered it. I knew something was wrong by the look on his face when he handed me the phone. All I could hear was my mother crying and I knew. Mami mustered some strength to tell me that that viejita bella had died. My mom passed the phone to my dad. He was crying too and he let me go. I have never felt that kind of pain in my life. I had lost other grandparents but I loved Lydia deeply.

I went to Puerto Rico for her funeral. The worst part of a casket is that you can’t hug your loved one, one last time. Juncos, Puerto Rico is a small town. When there is a funeral some people come because they think they may have known the person and they do not want to pass up the opportunity to bid farewell to someone they may have known. There were pleasant, sweet people that came. I really don’t remember most of them. My viejita bella loved going to church and some people from her congregation came and played instruments and sang hymns. She would have loved that! I remember my mom saying how much she would have enjoyed it. I am sure she did, while she looked down on us.

When I got to Puerto Rico, there was still a shirt of hers hanging in the bathroom. The shirt still smelled like her. I remember asking my mom if it was a perfume and she said that was just her sent. I slept with that shirt every night. I smelled it and cried myself to sleep. I hated myself for a long time. I resent that I was not a better granddaughter. I hated myself for promised I made to her of visiting and I did not kept for some “reason” or another. I hated myself for not calling more often. I felt that she deserved better than me. I spoke to her Christmas day before she passed but she was already not feeling well. Our last conversation, she was not herself. I was excited to talk to her but she rushed off the phone, she never did that. She loved to talk, tell stories, and laugh the most beautiful heartfelt laugh that I have ever heard. I did not get to hear that on December 25, 2006 or ever again after that day.

After her passing, I do not recall how long after, I remember having a dream about her. I was hugging her and I was crying. I cried so much and my tears were rolling off her shoulder. She did not say anything in my dream.

I have since stopped hating myself, but the feeling of regret has not left. I took time for granted. I thought it was my friend, that it was on my side, but it wasn’t. I don’t blame God for taking her home. She was so Amazing! He wanted her closer. But having her for thirty two years of my life was not enough.

My abuela did not drive. We all lived in the same town but in opposite sides. She would come from Ceiba Norte to Valenciano to see us. I remember one day. I do not recall how all I was. If I had to guess I would say maybe 6. She had come to visit us. Taking the public transportation had to have taken her well over an hour to reach us. The van dropped people off a ways away from our house so she had to walk the difference. I remember her walking up our drive way. When my eyes locked in on her I remember feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Picture a child’s unbridled joy. That is what I felt. I ran and hugged her. I do not remember the rest of that day, but I still remember that feeling. I am almost forty and as I type this I can feel my heart, it remembers what it felt that day.

Lydia Cruz was love, and joy, and beauty. I miss her so much. I will always love her with every ounce of my being!

I remember as couple of days before the one year anniversary of her passing I prayed to God for something happy to happen on that day. I need something wonderful to happen. My husband and I began our adoption process in October 2007. The social worker called me to set up our home visit. I set the appointment and told my husband. As I was sharing the information I realized that we had scheduled the home visit (needed in order to continue our adoption process) on January 7, 2008. I remember crying and thanking God and Lydia for giving me something good on the anniversary of her passing. Lydia also helped God pick out an amazing daughter for us.

When I was little, maybe 7 my dad took a picture of my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mom, and I. I wanted a picture like that with my daughter for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. But, Lydia did get to meet Amarilis first.