Painting the Picture - My 500 Words D11

Painting the picture….

I finally decided to go for a walk in the woods. I needed to clear my head. I have been wrestling with my next step for so long, I have not left the house in days. I have barely eaten and my mind has been raising for aslong as I  can recall. I put my brown spring jacket and headed out of the door. Outside, the air was crips; not cold enough for a heavy jacket but enough to feel the temprature change when inhaling the air. I felt the cold rush to my lungs and a finally thought about something other than my future. I started my journey, I focused on what was infront of me and  my mind  began to settle.  

I am a creature of habbit, and I always take the same path when I go for a walk. Today, I decided to try a different path. I steps out side as the sun was begining to set. I made everything outside seem like it has been dusted with gold. It was a beautiful afternoon. I a came ot a  bend on th epath I say sunrays coming through the trees. It was like God was illuminating my path to a peaceful place to think about my life. Among the pine trees I realized that I had been working my mind into a frenzy. All I needed to do was contemplate my options one at a time. I am lucky enough that my worst problem is selecting my next step from three great options. I am grateful for the opportunities in front of me. But in this moment, I am most thankful for this path and the sunset.

I had been on the road traveling for business for a month. In my last stop a business associate suggested a bed and breakfast in the country side. After so many hotels, valet parking, room services, polite people who could careless why I am their establishment this bed and breakfast sounded like a great idea. The place was ran by a wonderful older couple. They had owned the business for 20 years. They shared great stories of past guest. I wondered where those people where today and what were they doing there.

My room was small but comfortable. It had a queen size bed with very soft pillow top matters. I felt like I sank six inches when I laid down. It had a small fireplace with block rod iron screen. Next to the bed there was a small antique white desk. On top there was a letter from the owners thank patrons for the visit. On the top drawer there was a journal where past guest left messages. There were stories of newlyweds, people who came to celebrate anniversaries, people who came to remember loved ones after they passed. There were so many lives at my fingertips. I was so glad I came here.

I had to leave early the next morning. The morning fog was thick. I as I carefully drove down the street I saw a single leafless tree, a lonely landmark in a long quite road. I could not see anything past the tree. I suddenly found myself wondering if any of the other guests had left back to their regularly scheduled lives on a foggy day. I thought about all the stories this quaint blue Victorian home must have. I prayed for all of the people who traveled this road. 

Writing - My 500 Words D10

I love words. I think that is why I have a bachelor’s and master in communication. I appreciate the power words have. They can make or break relationships. Just look at the root of most wars. One side thinks they are right, they draw the line in the sand, the sell their views to others and get them on board, and conflict arises. Words have power, they have weight.

My love and appreciation for words make me enjoy writing. I wish it came easier to me. There are some writers that are so witty and funny, some paint a picture where you can see yourself in the scene. I am trying to put words together to make people feel. Not too long ago I was trying to explain why people in similar situations should not make themselves seem better than others. I wrote: “That would be like saying that my daughter is not really my daughter because she is adopted versus being biological. I am no less a mother because my process to have a child is different than my sisters who have given birth.”

I was proud of these two sentences. I felt they packed a punch. They highlighted the importance of not comparing because it can come across as judgmental. Why take away from someone? They right combination of words can take a message to the next level. It moves to action, to change, to reform, and much more.

I am a Pisces. I live in make belief a lot and day dream often. Sometimes I am so caught up in what I am thinking I can see it. Or if I am thinking about something sad I cry. I want to convey that in my writing. If I can translate what is in my head to paper, I think I can really be a good writer.

I have been writing a dissertation for the last year and a half. Academic writing is very different than other styles. I am coming to the end of that process (thank God!) and I am ready to transition into writing for pleasure; writing for the sake of creating beautiful and moving stories. Writing because there are words that need to be shared.

My fear of writing stems from two areas. One is my grammar. I am originally from Puerto Rico and English is my second language. While I have been in the U.S. for a while I still struggle when I write. I know this is something that I need to keep working on writing assignments to strengthen my skills. The second issue is fear of success. My writing dream has been kept at bay mainly because I put pressure on myself of what will be expect of me if I am actually good. What if I write a book that is good and then I can’t do a second one. Again, I am a Pisces so clearly I stress myself over something that has not even happened. We shall see what comes of this writing thing.  

Leaders - My 500 Words D9

“Leaders are born not made.” I disagree. While I believe that there are some people who are naturally more charismatic because of their personality I think all people have the ability to be leaders. Anyone who is willing to learn the skills they can be an effective leader.

To be a leader an individual must be willing to take on the responsibility. Being a leader is more than about oneself. It is about the group, it is about the organization needs, it is about the project, etc. Keeping the responsibility of being a leader in the forefront of one’s mind is important.

A leader must be a good listener. A leader doesn't just tell people what to do. A leader listens to the needs of the people who are working for or with the leader. Active listening facilitates communication among parties. It is important to have a common understanding of the goal in order to move projects and organizations forward.

Leaders are not focused on titles or notoriety. They want to ensure the job is done and successful. This reminds me of a picture I saw not too long ago. There were two depictions side by side, one of a boss sitting at a desk being pulled by workers, then a picture of a leader pulling with the other people and the desk did not have anyone sitting on it. The leader rolls up her/his sleeves to do the work necessary to move forward.

Leaders are able to deal with criticism and put it in perspective. Leaders know that not everyone is going to agree with you. They know that people will question and challenge what you are trying to do. Being able to manage these attempts in a professional and productive way is important. Leaders can’t get caught up in the emotions of other people. If a leader engages with critics and fights back it can make the leader look back. This is not to say that the leader should not address critics, or any concerns or questions that arise from the criticism. But, the responses must be professional and free of emotion in order to be effective and for the leader not to lose face or ground.

Leaders have to be cheerleaders. Sometimes change is not exciting. People may meet the change or project with hesitation. To get people on board leaders need to be in tuned with the mood of the group. When the leader notices that people need a pick me up or need to be reminded of the positive outcomes of the change the leader should address it right away. When appropriate allow the members of the team to get out their concerns or fears and then list the positives. Ask these individuals what they need to feel better about the change, and as best as possible make accommodations.  

Another important skill required of leaders is the ability to manage conflict. There are time that within the organization or within stakeholders conflict will arise. Leaders need to mediate the conflict in order to progress. If the leader can’t manage the conflict, s/he must find the appropriate resources to manage the situation to not take away from the work at hand. 

To Dos - My 500 Words D8

Dissertation:

·         Contact my chair to find out when I can submit my dissertation to the Dean of the College for review

·         Contact editor to double check APA changes she made to my last dissertation draft

·         Pray that the editor will turn around changes quickly

·         Pray that I can get this dissertation defense schedule by the beginning of February

·         Draft my dissertation presentation

·         Have my chair review my presentation

·         Practice my presentation.

·         Pray that I successfully defend my dissertation

·         Obtain singed approvals after dissertation defense

·         Complete final edits after defense

·         Submit edited dissertation to the Graduate College

·         Review edits from the Graduate College

·         Make any final edits and changes based on feedback from Graduate College

·         Submit final bound copy of dissertation to Hampton University

·         Submit electronic dissertation to Proquest

·         Celebrate being done with my Ph.D.

·         Graduate May 11, 2014

After my dissertation is done, focus on my career trajectory to ultimately become a college president

·         Review recommendations from National Community College Hispanic Council

·         Get the list of characteristics of a college president to have a road map and to identify areas to work on

·         Find a part-time teaching job to stay connected to the faculty experience and student needs

·         Join an accreditation group to help a college go through an accreditation review

·         Plan next job, perhaps Dean of Students, Director of Enrollment Services, etc.

·         Build mentor relationship with leads of National Community College Hispanic Council and ask what a next job makes sense to look at

·         Participate in more professional organizations including conference presentations

·         Net work with my National Community College Hispanic Council cohort to support our efforts as we move forward in our careers

·         Join curriculum committee at my job

·         Join a campus present search committee to learn what committees are looking for for college presidents

·         Look for other network opportunities within my job

·         Look at the Harvard higher education leadership program in summer 2014

·         Research college presidents and review their resumes or vitas to see their job history in order to plan my own path

·         Look for publishing opportunities for academic journals, professional organization journals or magazines, and the chronicle of higher education

·         Build relationships with individuals who I can co-author articles

·         Work to get dissertation published in an academic journal

Work life balance:

·         Get back in the gym consistently

·         Spend more time helping my daughter to learn to read

·         Read books for pleasure once dissertation is done, start with the long list of leadership books

·         Take some me time, spa time, coffee break, to refuel for me not as a wife, mother, employee, manager, etc.

·         Be more consistence with date night with the hubby

·         Plan my 40^th birthday week hikes

·         Buy hiking books

·         Stick to my 500 words challenge

·         Stick to my 2014 photo journey blog where I am taking a picture a day for a year

·         Make a health improvement plan including eating and exercising

·         Start working on my book, seriously this time

·         Start working on screenplay

·         Work on character creation

·         Work on setting the scene and using words that create a picture in the readers mind

·         Work on branding

·         Think big picture, push on my long term goals. Take steps every day to do something towards my goals (big or small)

My Bella Lydia - My 500 Words D7

Today is the 7^th year anniversary of my abuela’s passing (my mom’s mom). I remember that day like it was yesterday. Shortly after the New Year in 2007 my abuelita became sick. My brother had spent Christmas and New Years in Puerto Rico at her house. He took her to the hospital but he had to leave back to Houston, Texas. He was very worried and hated to leave her but he had to go back to work. My parents went down from Flint, Michigan to be with her.

There was something different about this time. I felt in my heart that I had to go see her. I was talking with my husband about leaving and begun to make my plans. I spoke to my mother to tell her but she told me no. My heart kept telling me to go. I felt this urging I can’t explain but I wanted to honor my mother. I felt that if I went to Puerto Rico (against my mother’s wishes) that would have been admitting that I felt like she was not going to make it.

January 7, 2007 started like any other day. By the early evening my husband and I were home in El Paso, Texas watching TV. I don’t recall the show but I feel like it was something funny. My husband was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. I do not know why I was sitting on the floor since that is not something I normally did. The phone rang and my husband answered it. I knew something was wrong by the look on his face when he handed me the phone. All I could hear was my mother crying and I knew. Mami mustered some strength to tell me that that viejita bella had died. My mom passed the phone to my dad. He was crying too and he let me go. I have never felt that kind of pain in my life. I had lost other grandparents but I loved Lydia deeply.

I went to Puerto Rico for her funeral. The worst part of a casket is that you can’t hug your loved one, one last time. Juncos, Puerto Rico is a small town. When there is a funeral some people come because they think they may have known the person and they do not want to pass up the opportunity to bid farewell to someone they may have known. There were pleasant, sweet people that came. I really don’t remember most of them. My viejita bella loved going to church and some people from her congregation came and played instruments and sang hymns. She would have loved that! I remember my mom saying how much she would have enjoyed it. I am sure she did, while she looked down on us.

When I got to Puerto Rico, there was still a shirt of hers hanging in the bathroom. The shirt still smelled like her. I remember asking my mom if it was a perfume and she said that was just her sent. I slept with that shirt every night. I smelled it and cried myself to sleep. I hated myself for a long time. I resent that I was not a better granddaughter. I hated myself for promised I made to her of visiting and I did not kept for some “reason” or another. I hated myself for not calling more often. I felt that she deserved better than me. I spoke to her Christmas day before she passed but she was already not feeling well. Our last conversation, she was not herself. I was excited to talk to her but she rushed off the phone, she never did that. She loved to talk, tell stories, and laugh the most beautiful heartfelt laugh that I have ever heard. I did not get to hear that on December 25, 2006 or ever again after that day.

After her passing, I do not recall how long after, I remember having a dream about her. I was hugging her and I was crying. I cried so much and my tears were rolling off her shoulder. She did not say anything in my dream.

I have since stopped hating myself, but the feeling of regret has not left. I took time for granted. I thought it was my friend, that it was on my side, but it wasn’t. I don’t blame God for taking her home. She was so Amazing! He wanted her closer. But having her for thirty two years of my life was not enough.

My abuela did not drive. We all lived in the same town but in opposite sides. She would come from Ceiba Norte to Valenciano to see us. I remember one day. I do not recall how all I was. If I had to guess I would say maybe 6. She had come to visit us. Taking the public transportation had to have taken her well over an hour to reach us. The van dropped people off a ways away from our house so she had to walk the difference. I remember her walking up our drive way. When my eyes locked in on her I remember feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Picture a child’s unbridled joy. That is what I felt. I ran and hugged her. I do not remember the rest of that day, but I still remember that feeling. I am almost forty and as I type this I can feel my heart, it remembers what it felt that day.

Lydia Cruz was love, and joy, and beauty. I miss her so much. I will always love her with every ounce of my being!

I remember as couple of days before the one year anniversary of her passing I prayed to God for something happy to happen on that day. I need something wonderful to happen. My husband and I began our adoption process in October 2007. The social worker called me to set up our home visit. I set the appointment and told my husband. As I was sharing the information I realized that we had scheduled the home visit (needed in order to continue our adoption process) on January 7, 2008. I remember crying and thanking God and Lydia for giving me something good on the anniversary of her passing. Lydia also helped God pick out an amazing daughter for us.

When I was little, maybe 7 my dad took a picture of my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mom, and I. I wanted a picture like that with my daughter for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. But, Lydia did get to meet Amarilis first. 

Amarilis - My 500 Words D6

A letter to my daughter

I am so lucky to have you in my life. Before you I thought about being a mother, I just never knew that I would love it so much. You even make me want another daughter. I love it when you remember things that I tell you, like how much more my heart grew with love once we had you.

I love that you are an age where you are still fine with snuggling, kissing, as well as playing hide and seek. I also love that you say you are never moving from our house and that you want me to drive you to work. I know those days will come to an end soon enough. I know you are going to think I am annoying and not cool. I did it to my mom and it is highly likely that you will do it to me. But, I also know that we will make it through your teenage years and we will be friends again. But, no matter how annoying you think I am, I am still going to love you with all my heart.

Your smile erases a bad day. Your laughter fills a room. Your “I love you” make the world right, once again. I love the person you are becoming. You have a great heart. You want to help others and I see that you are good natured. I am grateful for all of your qualities.  

I often find myself imagining what you will be when you grow up. There are so many options. There are no limits to what you will do. With your combinations of intelligence, passion, and that good heart of yours, whatever you do will be wonderful. I want you to be happy. I want you to be fulfilled. When you get in your car to drive to work, I hope that it does not feel like work. I hope it brings you joy and that if feeds your soul.

I also imagine the day that you will become my sorority sister. Sisterhood is so important to me. My sisters and their friendship have made such a difference in my life. Some of the best times in my life where with those phenomenal women, and I remember them so fondly. I want that for you, a life time of sisterhood and friendship.

I know that whatever you do I will be proud of you. You do not have to live up to my expectations for a career, you have to live up to yours. You have an amazing life ahead of you. I am privileged and bless to have a front row seat to all of your future successes. You will not have bigger fans than your father and I.

We love you unconditionally. You will make mistakes, but we will still love you. We may not like it, we may not agree, and you will have to hear our opinions on the matter, but regardless, we will love you no matter what.

Here is to your future, to your life, to your opportunities. I love you my amazing baby girl. Live your life with no limits, and love without fear!

Lost Your Way - My 500 Words D5

I have decided that for all the Sundays of the 500 word challenge I will write about the sermon at church. Today’s was about losing your way. The pastor asked us if we had lost our way. Many of us said yes and she admitted she too had at times lost her way.

There are many times that a have lost my way. Some have been well intentioned but somewhere along the way it turns. I remember, early on in our relationship, my husband told me that that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I remember thinking that was pretty cold blooded to tell me that because whatever I was trying to do was the right thing.  

I mean well at times but I don’t always achieve it. I blame it on being a Pisces. Water signs are moody, and can be a little on the flaky side (sometimes). Sometimes getting lost in those good intentions I lost myself. Trying to be good and better for others can be exhausting while other times it is amazingly rewarding.

It can be so hard to come back once you have lost your way. Sometimes you do not know how to get back to center. It is hard because you want things to get better. You want time to fly by and be in a better place. But, seconds tick so slowly when you are facing despair.

How do you back on track? By pushing yourself to take a step! Instead of wishing things change, take a step towards change. The first step is the hardest. It is like pulling your leg out of mud, or quick sand. But once you start pulling yourself out, moving forward, you can get to the next level, the next moment in your life. That is until the next time you lose your way when you will have to do it all over again.

I just read a post that said “worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.” This is something I am trying to work on. But again, I am a Pisces. I am a dreamer. I am always thinking about the future. Sometimes it is distracting. Sometimes I obsess about it. I worry. I am a worrier. I worry about life and death and everything in between.

I don’t know what is happening to me now that I am getting older. I have to remind myself to relax. I have to tell myself to stop thinking about things I can’t change or control. I am trying to stay in the moment. I do enjoy myself when I am in the moment. When people are around I am fun, I am happy, I laugh. But, when the quiet moments come, my mind goes to a million places – some better than others, some more realistic than others.

I hope that these efforts in writing help me sort out what I am feeling. What this old age (I about to be 40) is doing to me. I look forward to the rest of this challenge. I want to see what is in the other side.