To Dos - My 500 Words D8

Dissertation:

·         Contact my chair to find out when I can submit my dissertation to the Dean of the College for review

·         Contact editor to double check APA changes she made to my last dissertation draft

·         Pray that the editor will turn around changes quickly

·         Pray that I can get this dissertation defense schedule by the beginning of February

·         Draft my dissertation presentation

·         Have my chair review my presentation

·         Practice my presentation.

·         Pray that I successfully defend my dissertation

·         Obtain singed approvals after dissertation defense

·         Complete final edits after defense

·         Submit edited dissertation to the Graduate College

·         Review edits from the Graduate College

·         Make any final edits and changes based on feedback from Graduate College

·         Submit final bound copy of dissertation to Hampton University

·         Submit electronic dissertation to Proquest

·         Celebrate being done with my Ph.D.

·         Graduate May 11, 2014

After my dissertation is done, focus on my career trajectory to ultimately become a college president

·         Review recommendations from National Community College Hispanic Council

·         Get the list of characteristics of a college president to have a road map and to identify areas to work on

·         Find a part-time teaching job to stay connected to the faculty experience and student needs

·         Join an accreditation group to help a college go through an accreditation review

·         Plan next job, perhaps Dean of Students, Director of Enrollment Services, etc.

·         Build mentor relationship with leads of National Community College Hispanic Council and ask what a next job makes sense to look at

·         Participate in more professional organizations including conference presentations

·         Net work with my National Community College Hispanic Council cohort to support our efforts as we move forward in our careers

·         Join curriculum committee at my job

·         Join a campus present search committee to learn what committees are looking for for college presidents

·         Look for other network opportunities within my job

·         Look at the Harvard higher education leadership program in summer 2014

·         Research college presidents and review their resumes or vitas to see their job history in order to plan my own path

·         Look for publishing opportunities for academic journals, professional organization journals or magazines, and the chronicle of higher education

·         Build relationships with individuals who I can co-author articles

·         Work to get dissertation published in an academic journal

Work life balance:

·         Get back in the gym consistently

·         Spend more time helping my daughter to learn to read

·         Read books for pleasure once dissertation is done, start with the long list of leadership books

·         Take some me time, spa time, coffee break, to refuel for me not as a wife, mother, employee, manager, etc.

·         Be more consistence with date night with the hubby

·         Plan my 40^th birthday week hikes

·         Buy hiking books

·         Stick to my 500 words challenge

·         Stick to my 2014 photo journey blog where I am taking a picture a day for a year

·         Make a health improvement plan including eating and exercising

·         Start working on my book, seriously this time

·         Start working on screenplay

·         Work on character creation

·         Work on setting the scene and using words that create a picture in the readers mind

·         Work on branding

·         Think big picture, push on my long term goals. Take steps every day to do something towards my goals (big or small)

My Bella Lydia - My 500 Words D7

Today is the 7^th year anniversary of my abuela’s passing (my mom’s mom). I remember that day like it was yesterday. Shortly after the New Year in 2007 my abuelita became sick. My brother had spent Christmas and New Years in Puerto Rico at her house. He took her to the hospital but he had to leave back to Houston, Texas. He was very worried and hated to leave her but he had to go back to work. My parents went down from Flint, Michigan to be with her.

There was something different about this time. I felt in my heart that I had to go see her. I was talking with my husband about leaving and begun to make my plans. I spoke to my mother to tell her but she told me no. My heart kept telling me to go. I felt this urging I can’t explain but I wanted to honor my mother. I felt that if I went to Puerto Rico (against my mother’s wishes) that would have been admitting that I felt like she was not going to make it.

January 7, 2007 started like any other day. By the early evening my husband and I were home in El Paso, Texas watching TV. I don’t recall the show but I feel like it was something funny. My husband was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. I do not know why I was sitting on the floor since that is not something I normally did. The phone rang and my husband answered it. I knew something was wrong by the look on his face when he handed me the phone. All I could hear was my mother crying and I knew. Mami mustered some strength to tell me that that viejita bella had died. My mom passed the phone to my dad. He was crying too and he let me go. I have never felt that kind of pain in my life. I had lost other grandparents but I loved Lydia deeply.

I went to Puerto Rico for her funeral. The worst part of a casket is that you can’t hug your loved one, one last time. Juncos, Puerto Rico is a small town. When there is a funeral some people come because they think they may have known the person and they do not want to pass up the opportunity to bid farewell to someone they may have known. There were pleasant, sweet people that came. I really don’t remember most of them. My viejita bella loved going to church and some people from her congregation came and played instruments and sang hymns. She would have loved that! I remember my mom saying how much she would have enjoyed it. I am sure she did, while she looked down on us.

When I got to Puerto Rico, there was still a shirt of hers hanging in the bathroom. The shirt still smelled like her. I remember asking my mom if it was a perfume and she said that was just her sent. I slept with that shirt every night. I smelled it and cried myself to sleep. I hated myself for a long time. I resent that I was not a better granddaughter. I hated myself for promised I made to her of visiting and I did not kept for some “reason” or another. I hated myself for not calling more often. I felt that she deserved better than me. I spoke to her Christmas day before she passed but she was already not feeling well. Our last conversation, she was not herself. I was excited to talk to her but she rushed off the phone, she never did that. She loved to talk, tell stories, and laugh the most beautiful heartfelt laugh that I have ever heard. I did not get to hear that on December 25, 2006 or ever again after that day.

After her passing, I do not recall how long after, I remember having a dream about her. I was hugging her and I was crying. I cried so much and my tears were rolling off her shoulder. She did not say anything in my dream.

I have since stopped hating myself, but the feeling of regret has not left. I took time for granted. I thought it was my friend, that it was on my side, but it wasn’t. I don’t blame God for taking her home. She was so Amazing! He wanted her closer. But having her for thirty two years of my life was not enough.

My abuela did not drive. We all lived in the same town but in opposite sides. She would come from Ceiba Norte to Valenciano to see us. I remember one day. I do not recall how all I was. If I had to guess I would say maybe 6. She had come to visit us. Taking the public transportation had to have taken her well over an hour to reach us. The van dropped people off a ways away from our house so she had to walk the difference. I remember her walking up our drive way. When my eyes locked in on her I remember feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Picture a child’s unbridled joy. That is what I felt. I ran and hugged her. I do not remember the rest of that day, but I still remember that feeling. I am almost forty and as I type this I can feel my heart, it remembers what it felt that day.

Lydia Cruz was love, and joy, and beauty. I miss her so much. I will always love her with every ounce of my being!

I remember as couple of days before the one year anniversary of her passing I prayed to God for something happy to happen on that day. I need something wonderful to happen. My husband and I began our adoption process in October 2007. The social worker called me to set up our home visit. I set the appointment and told my husband. As I was sharing the information I realized that we had scheduled the home visit (needed in order to continue our adoption process) on January 7, 2008. I remember crying and thanking God and Lydia for giving me something good on the anniversary of her passing. Lydia also helped God pick out an amazing daughter for us.

When I was little, maybe 7 my dad took a picture of my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mom, and I. I wanted a picture like that with my daughter for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. But, Lydia did get to meet Amarilis first. 

Amarilis - My 500 Words D6

A letter to my daughter

I am so lucky to have you in my life. Before you I thought about being a mother, I just never knew that I would love it so much. You even make me want another daughter. I love it when you remember things that I tell you, like how much more my heart grew with love once we had you.

I love that you are an age where you are still fine with snuggling, kissing, as well as playing hide and seek. I also love that you say you are never moving from our house and that you want me to drive you to work. I know those days will come to an end soon enough. I know you are going to think I am annoying and not cool. I did it to my mom and it is highly likely that you will do it to me. But, I also know that we will make it through your teenage years and we will be friends again. But, no matter how annoying you think I am, I am still going to love you with all my heart.

Your smile erases a bad day. Your laughter fills a room. Your “I love you” make the world right, once again. I love the person you are becoming. You have a great heart. You want to help others and I see that you are good natured. I am grateful for all of your qualities.  

I often find myself imagining what you will be when you grow up. There are so many options. There are no limits to what you will do. With your combinations of intelligence, passion, and that good heart of yours, whatever you do will be wonderful. I want you to be happy. I want you to be fulfilled. When you get in your car to drive to work, I hope that it does not feel like work. I hope it brings you joy and that if feeds your soul.

I also imagine the day that you will become my sorority sister. Sisterhood is so important to me. My sisters and their friendship have made such a difference in my life. Some of the best times in my life where with those phenomenal women, and I remember them so fondly. I want that for you, a life time of sisterhood and friendship.

I know that whatever you do I will be proud of you. You do not have to live up to my expectations for a career, you have to live up to yours. You have an amazing life ahead of you. I am privileged and bless to have a front row seat to all of your future successes. You will not have bigger fans than your father and I.

We love you unconditionally. You will make mistakes, but we will still love you. We may not like it, we may not agree, and you will have to hear our opinions on the matter, but regardless, we will love you no matter what.

Here is to your future, to your life, to your opportunities. I love you my amazing baby girl. Live your life with no limits, and love without fear!

Lost Your Way - My 500 Words D5

I have decided that for all the Sundays of the 500 word challenge I will write about the sermon at church. Today’s was about losing your way. The pastor asked us if we had lost our way. Many of us said yes and she admitted she too had at times lost her way.

There are many times that a have lost my way. Some have been well intentioned but somewhere along the way it turns. I remember, early on in our relationship, my husband told me that that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I remember thinking that was pretty cold blooded to tell me that because whatever I was trying to do was the right thing.  

I mean well at times but I don’t always achieve it. I blame it on being a Pisces. Water signs are moody, and can be a little on the flaky side (sometimes). Sometimes getting lost in those good intentions I lost myself. Trying to be good and better for others can be exhausting while other times it is amazingly rewarding.

It can be so hard to come back once you have lost your way. Sometimes you do not know how to get back to center. It is hard because you want things to get better. You want time to fly by and be in a better place. But, seconds tick so slowly when you are facing despair.

How do you back on track? By pushing yourself to take a step! Instead of wishing things change, take a step towards change. The first step is the hardest. It is like pulling your leg out of mud, or quick sand. But once you start pulling yourself out, moving forward, you can get to the next level, the next moment in your life. That is until the next time you lose your way when you will have to do it all over again.

I just read a post that said “worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles; it takes away today’s peace.” This is something I am trying to work on. But again, I am a Pisces. I am a dreamer. I am always thinking about the future. Sometimes it is distracting. Sometimes I obsess about it. I worry. I am a worrier. I worry about life and death and everything in between.

I don’t know what is happening to me now that I am getting older. I have to remind myself to relax. I have to tell myself to stop thinking about things I can’t change or control. I am trying to stay in the moment. I do enjoy myself when I am in the moment. When people are around I am fun, I am happy, I laugh. But, when the quiet moments come, my mind goes to a million places – some better than others, some more realistic than others.

I hope that these efforts in writing help me sort out what I am feeling. What this old age (I about to be 40) is doing to me. I look forward to the rest of this challenge. I want to see what is in the other side. 

Free Write - My 500 Words D4

Day four will be a free write. I am not going to correct, hit backspace, or correct. I am just writing. Ready, set – go!

I was having a difficult time thinking about what to write today. I am feel like something is rolling around in my brain but I can’t fully identify it. I think I want to address feeling overwhelmed. I think it si something we can all identify with, that feeling of heaviness and preoccupation.

Overall, I can’t complain about my life. I have had it pretty easy. I have not wanted for much. My parents felt it was there duty to pay for mine and my bothers’ undergraduate education. We came out of college with zero debt because my parents took it upon themselves. We grew up middle class. We did not have trust funds or college savings plans. That means that my mom and dad took on the burden fully. You would think I would make the best of that, but I did not.

I ran up my credit card debt, worked for a nonprofit and so my pay check to paycheck life began. I am better now but still face times when I feel overwhelmed about money, about my child’s wellbeing, about little things in life. I had this vision in my head of my life that did not pan out but what did was a blessing. There are some many things that worked out better. Because I have been blessed I feel guilty feeling overwhelmed.

But it is a normal human emotion to be overwhelmed at times. No matter how strong you are, or how together you are, there will be days. Days – when it feels like you are carrying a mountain of worries on your shoulders. There will be days when you doubt yourself, your skills, your choices, etc. There will be days when you cry watching a commercial about a bacon bowl (I just saw one today but it did not make me cry but I am sure on the right day it would set me off).

There are days that I walk around and I silently pray for people who walk past me. I hope they feel loved, that they have a safe place to go home, that they are not hungry, that they have a good life, etc. I also do it while I am driving. It makes me feel good to pray for others. I am a big believer in prayer and the power in prayer. I hope they are all ok.

I tried my hand at the free writing. I must admit… I cheated and I did fix some stuff. I found myself doing the backspace automatically from habit. But, nonetheless it was a good practice. I did it a lot less than usual. I tried not to get caught up on being perfect rather getting words down, wherever they went. I am looking forward to trying my hand at the free writing again. I can see how it was a good exercise. It is like brainstorming but with full sentences. I hope at the end of this month I will be at a better place with my writing and this is a good exercise. 

Goals - My 500 Words D3

What are my goals for this challenge?

I began a writing challenge in 2013 and I only made it a few days. This year’s month challenge presented me with another opportunity to try my hand at consistent writing.  When I received the notice about the new challenge on January 1, 2014 I felt it was a sign and I wrote 535 words that day. For many years I have wanted to write a book, however, I have lacked discipline. I hope that this process will help me build the discipline needed to write the book I have always talked about.

Recently, I have also been interested in writing a movie script. I have had this idea in my head for a while that I want to explore.  I got a book on script writing but I have not invested myself as much as I should so far. I have been busy with my dissertation and opted to put most of my life on hold. Academic writing is very repetitive and not as excited. I need to get back in the swing of writing for non-academics (another good reason for participating in this challenge).

How am I going to go about it?

What I am trying to do with this challenge to reach my end goal of writing a book and movie script is to work on setting the scene. I want to practice using my words to make people imagine what I am describing. I remember some of the best book/novels I have read not only make me feel but in my mind’s eye I can see the house, the field, the buildings, the flowers, etc.

Yesterday I wrote about meeting my husband for the first time. I described what we were wearing. I was honestly surprised that I remembered. I worked to describe the room, how did it look, what was the composition, down to what I saw when I looked out of the window.

I have more work to do in this area. My descriptions were kind of flat. However, I still felt it was a good effort. I also need to work with humor. I like to think that in person, I am a pretty funny person (if nothing else I entertain myself). However, I want to be able to translate my funny statements and mannerisms into funny writing. I think this is going to be tricky but I think it can be accomplished. I just need to keep practicing. I am going to try and tell someone else’s story tomorrow. I may try to do something from my grandmother, Lydia who passed away on January 7, 2007. She was so amazing. I wish I could interview her right now for my piece tomorrow. I am sure she would have said something sweet or witty. I don’t think she realized how funny and witty she really was. I hope to do her justice. I hope these efforts pay and this challenge pay off for me over the coming weeks. I am excited about what this could mean. I hope bigger and better. I hope a final product that I will be proud of.

Challenge - My 500 Words D1

I have this overwhelming feeling that 2014 is going to be an amazing year. I recalled back to the start of 2013 and I thought about certain things I wanted to accomplish. Many of the things in my list were for which I am very grateful. This will be another big year. I hope to accomplish some major life goals.

One thing that was not completed in 2013 was my dissertation. The delay was in part because of me but mainly obstacles out my control (most of which were from my institution). I was a bitter party of one for a while but now that I am close I must keep my eye on the prize. I hope to defend in the beginning of February, God willing!

Another milestone coming this year… I am turning 40. I am at a good place in my life in terms of having a husband and daughter that I love. But, career-wise, what I envisioned for my life did not come to be. I can be honest with myself and most of that has to do with my procrastinating nature. I am too laid back. I lack the fire that many have. I think that is in part why I am pushing myself to do this challenge. I have wanted to write a book for a long time. I keep coming up with excuses. At the end I am all talk and little action. I want to stop that. I am about to be 40. There is not room for ratchet, lazy, excuses. I need to get it together and take it to the next level, for me! I owe it to myself to go for it.

I read a quote to that said something to the effect, don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. I tell myself the sky is the limit. I am my own roadblock. I am my own speed bump in life. How can I have been ok with this behavior for so long? I look at people who are living their dreams and I have the never to want their lives but not the work they put in. What sense does that make? I need a change from within. I mean life altering, not for a week or two after the New Year. Not a resolution, but a way of life. I want to be infamous in my memories. I want to go to bed at night proud of myself. Feeling like I lived to the fullest that day.

I have my marching orders. I see my path to 2015. I want my 2014 yearend review to be even more accomplished than 2013. I want to throw the ball to the wall and go for it. So I take a step today. I will take one tomorrow, then the next after that. I pray for all others who have chosen to embark on this journey. I hope their 500 words are amazing and moving. I hope it leads them to their new way of life. I hope everyone goes to bed a not feeling proud of themselves and that they lived this day to the fullest!!!